"Masculinity" - Being comfortable with it

mas·cu·line   [mas-kyuh-lin]
adjective
1. pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men: masculine attire.
2. having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness.
3. Grammar . noting or pertaining to the gender of Latin, Greek, German, French, Spanish, hebrew, etc., which has among its members most nouns referring to males, as well as other nouns, as Spanish dedo,  “finger,” German Bleistift,  “pencil.”
4. (of a woman) mannish.

I've been told I'm comfortable with my masculinity--many times. I'm not entirely sure how to take this every time it's thrown at me, I'm never doing anything for spectacle or to evoke thought and discourse. It just happens, which always leads me to believe that I'm not intentionally foraying into the land of femininity to prove that I'm being masculine but that I'm just being me.

Sorry, that was more confusing than it should have been. Let's start slower. I am, as a friend once described themselves, "painfully cys-gendered". Those around me have recognized it. I am not gender fluid. I am a man, and there doesn't seem to be a counter opinion. I am also a writer and have fun with words. One such way that I have been doing that is with the word "gay". I've been using it for years, to refer to myself, because it's true. I am an incredibly gay person.


gay  [gey]
adjective, gay·er, gay·est.


3.having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music. Synonyms: cheerful, gleeful, happy, glad, cheery, lighthearted, joyous, joyful, jovial; sunny, lively, vivacious, sparkling; chipper, playful, jaunty, sprightly, blithe. Antonyms: serious, grave, solemn, joyless; staid, sedate; unhappy, morose, grim; sad, depressed, melancholy.

I started doing it in highschool, and I still continue to do it today. In fact, just yesterday I made some quip about how the root word of "games" is "gay" with the revelation on the use of "gay" as "happy". The friend I was talking to remarked at how comfortable I was with my masculinity. I was confused.

Why would that have anything to do with me being masculine? I could be gay and masculine. Hell, I could be feminine and masculine. Masculinity is tricky. It can be a heavy mantle that some people reject, and that's fine. It can be something that people feel essential and core to their person. That's fine too. Some people use it as a weapon, to dictate other people's behaviour. That's not okay.

Masculinity for me isn't about being buff, or dexterous, or a gentleman at all. It's not about the physical, but it is about strength. For me, being a man is about being able to make the hard decisions, and risk friendships if need be to tell someone when they're being out of line. All that other stuff comes about as a result of the inner strength of man, not vice versa.