Later Date

late  [leyt]
1. occurring, coming, or being after the usual or proper time: late frosts; a late spring.
2. continued until after the usual time or hour; protracted: a late business meeting.
3. near or at the end of day or well into the night: a late hour.
4. belonging to the time just before the present moment; most recent: a late news bulletin.
5. immediately preceding the present one; former: the late attorney general.

Now, how is it that I mean I'm broken? Contrary to popular belief this is not merely because "I have been burned."

Yes, I've been burned. Some of you close to me know what I'm talking about, we've all got our backstories, and some of you just as close, some even closer, do not know what I'm talking about. We all have backstories, what's the need in dredging them up? It's not that I'm keeping anything from anyone, I just don't wave my past around like a flag.

But I am broken. Broken but functional. I don't feel things the way that I see people around me feel things. My emotions aren't stunted, that's not what I mean to get across. My emotions are just fine, but they don't have a trigger-happy effect like everyone else's seems to.

Now that was misleading. I don't mean to imply:
A) that everyone is a sobbing mess of emotions;
B) that I rarely feel emotion.

See, I feel emotion all the time. You put something snuggly in my arms or cute in my face and I'll melt. Something funny and surprising? I'll laugh. Emotions are already abstract concepts, defining how mine are different is a difficult task.

Bluh, maybe I'm just being crazy over nothing. I really think it's my contentedness, though, that I'm trying to express. I get into these nice calm moments when I don't feel the need to laugh. I recognize something as funny, but I don't have the need to laugh. It's all just very calm, not apathetic I wouldn't say, but calm.

I wanted this to be the end of the topic, but apparently it's not. I'll have to revisit this at a later date. I've heard that the medication I'm taking (and have been for years) can dampen emotions in a strange way. Maybe that's what's up.

Am I broken?

bro·ken  [broh-kuhn]

adjective
2. reduced to fragments; fragmented.
3. ruptured; torn; fractured.
4. not functioning properly; out of working order.
5. changing direction abruptly: The fox ran in a broken line.

I don't feel things right. I don't understand it. I can't properly convey it, or at least I haven't been able to in the past so I'm not sure why I'm here. But I don't feel emotions the right way, the way that other people do. Maybe this has something to do with being aromantic? I don't know. But sometimes I feel like I'm hiding a truth from myself, not letting myself know that all this is a big ol' charade, you know?

I guess, more to come on this later.

Aromanticism; a romantic aromantic

re·la·tion·ship  [ri-ley-shuhn-ship]
noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

This is going to be one tough pickle to write. I'm still in the midst of understanding it myself. I've had a burden on my shoulders all my life, I've never felt right but I've never been sure what the problem was. Being so close to the LBGT community I've questioned my sexual orientation but that wasn't the problem, I questioned my gender identity but that wasn't the problem either. It took a long while, and quite a deal of courage to finally face the term: Aromantic.

But even now, even after I personally identify as an aromantic I have people come to me and tell me that I'm wrong, that I can't be aromantic and that I certainly don't feel the way I feel. They say I need to do more research, they say I'm just not that type of person. It makes me feel small, and scared, to have these giants and trusted friends tell me I'm wrong when I see no alternative. We don't believe things because we choose to. We believe things because life has led us to that perspective, and until something changes, there's no reason for us to abandon that belief.

This is the story of my journey for knowledge, and how I arrived at the concept of aromanticism.


The following is an excerpt from a conversation I had with a very dear friend:



Samuel Wilkes
ahhhh
I don't understand myself.

Mystery Man
Person A again?

Samuel Wilkes
I think I'm a non-committal, polyamorous, panromantic pan/bisexual
Yeah
Person A just left. They've been here for about 3 hours.

Mystery Man
So are you guys coming over tonight?

Samuel Wilkes
It's made me realize I want to be in no relationships, but I don't want the loneliness of being in no relatinship
They're gone to Dinner
I can come to dinner if you'd like, but totally up to you

Mystery Man
You just kinda want a communal house where there's always people, but you're never obligated to anyone?
I need the extra bodies, I think. Person B and Person C backed out

Samuel Wilkes
I don't even know
I'll be there then

Mystery Man
Heh. 'I don't even know" is a very true answer to many questions

Samuel Wilkes
Okay,
Every relationship I have ever been in
at some point, I have thought--no not thought because there have been no words--felt like I am supposed to be a single person.

Mystery Man
I can't say I empathize
Every relationship I'm in, the companionship has completed me.
I've been in*
I'm only in one right now
*shifty eyes*

Samuel Wilkes
lol
I think that's the route I'm going to take
I'm going to keep everyone at arms length
Dude, maybe I'm aromantic?
Polyamorously aromantic. Isn't that a curve ball?

Mystery Man
You've raised that idea before . . . what is it you don't like about a relationship? Do you know? Can you narrow it down?
It's an odd way to be by the stats, but certainly nothing logically inconsistent about it
I would say that straight poly-amorous aromantics are lauded in our society

Samuel Wilkes
No, I can't. It's like I'm a 0 living in a world of 1s where the 1s get together to equal 2, but when I get with a 1, I'm a 1, and that feels like it goes against my nature, like my soul is positively charged and becoming negatively charged, or vice versa.

Mystery Man
Like you're becoming less yourself and more of the other person?

Samuel Wilkes
When two people get together they become something greater than the sum of their parts. Or, more specifically, they become something different
I am me. I want to be me. It's really hard to rationalize the feelings.

Mystery Man
I always feel like my girlfriends become an extension of me

Samuel Wilkes
kind of, yeah, but I have a super aversion to that
like I'm losing myself
and if you haven't yet noticed, I'm a pretty awesome guy to lose xD

Mystery Man
Better not date me then
Apparently

Samuel Wilkes
Shucks

Mystery Man
I dunno, I think my philosophy on personal identity kinda forbids the idea of losing oneself
So I can see where you're coming from, but only on a theoretical basis, y'know?

Samuel Wilkes
yeah

The part where Mystery Man mentions me having brought up the idea of aromanticism before comes from a conversation he and I had about orientation. He had mentioned his orientation as being an asexual panromantic and I, at the time believing it to be for the novel of things, replied that my orientation and identification were the inverse. At a later date I brought it up to say it wasn't true, mostly out of shame. How dare I be aromantic? An aromantic pansexual would just be a slut, right? Doesn't care for relationships, will take any piece of tail he can... I wasn't that person so I went to him and retracted my claim.

But after the conversation he and I had, wherein I realized I was likely aromantic I began to feel easier about the world. I think I finally understood myself enough to stand up and look at the world. It was like walking into a new room, fully expecting friendship awaiting you, like your first day of kindergarten. But beyond that door was confusion. So much confusion. People look at me funny when I mention the word aromantic. That's weird, they must think. And I'll give them that. It is weird. It's not as easy to understand as, say, heterosexualism, or even homosexualism. Heck, Biromanticism. Panromanticism. They all have a very definite, clearcut, expectable and acceptable definition.

Not to say there isn't a definition of aromanticism. I'm sure you could drag one out from somewhere. But the truth is I'm having the most trouble figuring out what it means for me. My girlfriend told me I wasn't aromantic, that I didn't understand what it meant. She sent me to an "article" so I could do research on it, I believe with the hypothesis that I would realize I was wrong. Whatever. I'm not out to prove or disprove anything. I'm here to understand myself and why and what exactly I feel. So I took a look, it was "Becoming Loveless" that she sent me to, and I had a good read through that, quite a few times. And the more of it I read, the more I realized it was how I felt. But that raised a problem in and of itself.

She sent me this article because she was afraid of me being aromantic. She pulled up the article to show me that I couldn't be what she feared. But now that I'm affirming that fear I can't so easily go to her and tell her I'm aromantic. I mean, she's my girlfriend, I'm in a relationship with her, and I want to be, it's just hard to explain.

We're friends. We're good friends that live together and spend a lot of time together. She's the closest friend I have right now. But I'm my own person. I'm my own me. She poses the retort: "Is this just a convenience relationship?" She does have a vehicle, and I am quite lazy. No, I don't think it is. I mean, if she didn't have a car I wouldn't want to move. But what is left unsaid is "What is it if it's not a convenience relationship?"

To that, I really don't know. But what I do know is that the same blog she linked me to that posted "Becoming Loveless" also posted "Girlfriend Question" because she is also in a relationship by choice.

The number one thing I want to convey is that there is a major difference between amoury and romance. I identify now as a poly-amorous aromantic. I can love people, be really quite fond of them. Want them in my life. But not necessarily in the relationship kind of way. Maybe my heart has a bit of a defect, maybe there's something wrong with me. I really don't think so. All I know is that I can really truly love the people around me, as a family of friends. Sometimes I just get mystified, flabbergasted. I sit back in my chair and stare at a computer screen in abject awe at how great it is to have such wonderful people, such wonderful friends in my life. I may be missing out on some things, but I get along just fine. :) 

Become - Resolutions; final

be·come  [bih-kuhm]
verb (used without object)
1. to come, change, or grow to be (as specified): He became tired.
2. to come into being.
verb (used with object)
3. to be attractive on; befit in appearance; look well on: That gown becomes you.
4. to be suitable or necessary to the dignity, situation, or responsibility of: conduct that becomes an officer.

In case you haven't yet noticed, these posts have been serving multiple purposes. One of the reasons I started the blog after the new year was so that I could post resolutions and through their explanations cover the personal about me kind of stuff. You're getting to know me through these, and I'm getting my posting done. Let's get to it.

16) Get 3 "A"s.

This one is really important because I don't get "A"s. I mean, I used to. I always got an A in sciences. No matter what the subject. For example, every single god damn Chemistry test I ever did I got exactly a 93. But in English I average a 63. Cat's out of the bag. Oh well. See, I am of the opinion that I am an artist with science brain. I can write, that much is certain, but the arts in terms of academia usually shun me.

17) Make 100 blog posts about anything, for any project.

Yup. There you have it. Also, this isn't my only blog. ;)

18) Read 5 non-required books.

The whole taking 5 English courses a semester really does you in for wanting to read for yourself. Now that I'm pretty much out of that vicious cycle, I'll be enjoying it a bit more. I'm also a terribly slow reader. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a rebound symptom of my eye trouble (I can't follow movement very well). Point is, I read about as fast as it would be if spoken.

19) Start a blog.

... uh... covered that.

20) Play Gaa at Magic.

Gaa is my roommate, Magic is awesome. I got banned from the local geekery shop (story for another day) so I had to stop the geekery card tournaments. Found out my roommate used to play, we both still have decks, awwwwwhhh yis!

21) Get my licence...

Okay, anecdote time. I once lived beside the motor vehicle registration building (Canada's DMV), where I would go to do the permit test, and eventually take the actual test. I lived there for three or four years, a 10 minute walk away. Three or four summers went by and I didn't once bother. I'm a lazy person, okay? So now I've had my permit for god only knows how long. I can drive just fine, but haven't taken the road test yet.

22) Go somewhere unexpected... on purpose.

Oh man, look at this guy, he's so mysterious and romantic! No, really, whenever I get myself worked up, or fall down a bit too far I usually look longingly at the horizon. I often just want to walk, to try to reach the horizon (because it's an impossible goal that would bring me to surprising places).

23) Make someone proud enough to tell me so.

Signs I'm doing this right, eh?

24) Watch 4 movies I haven't yet seen, in one single day.

For fun.

25) Fight.

See, I got this from Angus. I could explain it, but I'll let you go over there and check it out if you're that interested. Though admittedly, I am having trouble keeping up with it.

Well, that's that. Those are my 25 goals of 2013. We'll see how this goes, ya?

"Characterization"

char·ac·ter·i·za·tion  [kar-ik-ter-uh-zey-shuhn, -truh-zey-]

noun

1. portrayal; description: the actor's characterization of a politician.

2. the act of characterizing.

3. the creation and convincing representation of fictitious characters.

This post is about author-reader trust. It goes both ways, and you trust each other to behave and to not behave.

Let's start with the author. We have to trust the readers to not behave. We can't just say "BALROG" and expect the readers to go "Wow, great big monster, I'm scared for the hero!" just by referencing a Balrog. We need characterization. We need to set a land away from troubles, we need to make characters, give them faults, and admire them for "trying more than their successes". 

But that trust goes further. We use characterization because we can't expect our readers to react and feel these emotions just willy nilly, we need to build them up to it. But that's the problem. If the reader isn't putting themselves into the one-word-balrog, why will they put themselves into the trouble-less shire? That's reader trust. That they engage you there. You start entry level, so they can climb in easily, and then build them up to caring. But it's the reader's step to make, not ours, and we have to trust that they'll make that step. If they won't? They're not going to read it anyways, probably.

But then we've got them. They're reading along, putting as much of themselves into our characters as we are. And that's a pretty special thing, a relationship only an author and reader can share. It demands trust, from both sides. The reader trusts that we won't give them some flat hero who has no faults, whose attempts equal their successes. Such a character evokes as much empathy as a piece of cardboard. They trust that these characters and this world is consistent and real. That these characters, imbued with a special concoction of reader and author actually feel the events going around them, are afraid of their potential failures like both reader and author are.

We make a potion, authors and readers. The author puts the base ingredients into a character. All the mundane stuff, the dry if you will, while the reader puts in the wet ingredients. Together you mix it up through the events of the novel and the result is something that should come alive. Just don't forget the time it takes to stir and mix. For every Balrog there is of course an entire Shire.

"Alchemy" - Resolutions Pt 3

al·che·my  [al-kuh-mee]
noun, plural al·che·mies for 2.
1. a form of chemistry and speculative philosophy practiced in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance and concerned principally with discovering methods for transmuting baser metals into gold and with finding a universal solvent and an elixir of life.
2. any magical power or process of transmuting a common substance, usually of little value, into a substance of great value.

Attempt to get through these ridiculous resolutions #3!

11) Be able to play two songs - any - without error.

This refers to the violin that I received for Christmas  I have always wanted to learn the violin but was always too young to teach myself. Perhaps now that I'm "mature" I can actually figure it out.

12) Finish a day, from morn to eve, without thinking of my behaviour by that point, or failing at being me.

Terrible grammar, activate! See, I have a problem with being me. On very nearly every day I have a moment where I fault myself for not having the strength of character to truly be me. I am often ashamed of my diseased mind and how it infects its way into my daily behaviour. I just want one day to go by without being ashamed of myself.

13) Write an entirely new novel for NaNo.

Every NaNo, I write something old, or spin something that I've already conceived. I need tgo actually write something new, and proper, and 50,000 words as to the spirit of NaNoWriMo.

14) Orchestrate enough material for the Steampunk Anthology.

When the individual running the Steampunk Writers group moved away, I offered myself to lead them into a glorious age of fiction creation. They were cool with me doing that but I haven't been doing my job very well. So I want to get out there and help generate enough material that our anthology will be something.

15) Get new glasses.

... long overdue. I'm half blind and they're held together with super glue.

Few, only 10 more. Hopefully I can getum done in only one more post. At most two.

"Masculinity" - Being comfortable with it

mas·cu·line   [mas-kyuh-lin]
adjective
1. pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men: masculine attire.
2. having qualities traditionally ascribed to men, as strength and boldness.
3. Grammar . noting or pertaining to the gender of Latin, Greek, German, French, Spanish, hebrew, etc., which has among its members most nouns referring to males, as well as other nouns, as Spanish dedo,  “finger,” German Bleistift,  “pencil.”
4. (of a woman) mannish.

I've been told I'm comfortable with my masculinity--many times. I'm not entirely sure how to take this every time it's thrown at me, I'm never doing anything for spectacle or to evoke thought and discourse. It just happens, which always leads me to believe that I'm not intentionally foraying into the land of femininity to prove that I'm being masculine but that I'm just being me.

Sorry, that was more confusing than it should have been. Let's start slower. I am, as a friend once described themselves, "painfully cys-gendered". Those around me have recognized it. I am not gender fluid. I am a man, and there doesn't seem to be a counter opinion. I am also a writer and have fun with words. One such way that I have been doing that is with the word "gay". I've been using it for years, to refer to myself, because it's true. I am an incredibly gay person.


gay  [gey]
adjective, gay·er, gay·est.


3.having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music. Synonyms: cheerful, gleeful, happy, glad, cheery, lighthearted, joyous, joyful, jovial; sunny, lively, vivacious, sparkling; chipper, playful, jaunty, sprightly, blithe. Antonyms: serious, grave, solemn, joyless; staid, sedate; unhappy, morose, grim; sad, depressed, melancholy.

I started doing it in highschool, and I still continue to do it today. In fact, just yesterday I made some quip about how the root word of "games" is "gay" with the revelation on the use of "gay" as "happy". The friend I was talking to remarked at how comfortable I was with my masculinity. I was confused.

Why would that have anything to do with me being masculine? I could be gay and masculine. Hell, I could be feminine and masculine. Masculinity is tricky. It can be a heavy mantle that some people reject, and that's fine. It can be something that people feel essential and core to their person. That's fine too. Some people use it as a weapon, to dictate other people's behaviour. That's not okay.

Masculinity for me isn't about being buff, or dexterous, or a gentleman at all. It's not about the physical, but it is about strength. For me, being a man is about being able to make the hard decisions, and risk friendships if need be to tell someone when they're being out of line. All that other stuff comes about as a result of the inner strength of man, not vice versa.